The Sprout

The Woman In Black (Scared The Hell Out Of Me)

Posted by ThingsThatAnnoyMe from Swansea - Published on 21/02/2012 at 01:55
1 comments » - Tagged as Movies

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Oh look, it’s Daniel Radcliffe. Apparently he’s now an adult and can play adult roles, but to me he just looks like a slightly hairier Harry Potter with contact lenses.

Daniel is going to go to a big, spooky house in the middle of nowhere for some reason. Lots of people died around there, but the previous owner decided that wasn’t creepy enough so she filled all the rooms with evil-looking toy monkeys.

It’s pretty rare for a film to scare me, and as this is a 12A I’m not expecting anything to make me jump. I’ve gone to a 10pm showing and HOLY CRAP WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!?!???

*Ahem* Okay, that was a little bit jumpy, but I’m sure the rest of the film will be... wait, did you see that? Never mind, it was probably nothing.

So yeah, the film is just your run-of-the-mill horror story with the occasional fright but nothing particularly traumatising. There’s this locked room at the top of the stairs which nobody can open and there’s a haunting noise coming from behind it. I suspect that later in the film Radcliffe will find a way to open it and find something really cool behind it.

Oooh, he’s trying to open it! I wonder if we’ll get to see the woman in blaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA A AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...is she gone? *Removes hands from eyes*

Okay, the camera is following Daniel Harrypotter as he explores the spooky children’s room. There are some spectacular toys in there that definitely wouldn’t give a child nightmares: I can’t decide whether my favourite is the monkey punching itself repeatedly in the face, the murderous rabbit hatching out of a giant egg, or the grinning clown with the bloodied face.

Just in case that hasn’t traumatised you enough, we then get to watch a little girl setting herself on fire. JOY!

Radcliffe (who is wearing a rather nice suit) gets it a bit burned, but by the next scene it’s magically fine again. This gives him an idea. “I know!” he exclaims, “I’ll jump in this swamp and fish out another dead child to add to my collection. My magical suit will instantly clean itself ready for the next scene, and then we can carry on exploring the house.” And so it comes to pass.

“Hooray!” yell the audience as the film nears some semblance of a resolution. “Will the woman in black now leave everyone in peace? Will ice cream and rainbows pour from the sky and bring love and merriment to all forevermore?”

*Audience wait patiently, as the spooky music stops for a moment*

...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAA I WANT MY MUMMY!!!!!

The End.

I hope it’s sunny outside...