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The Magnificent Seven #6: Gay Marriage: Confusing, Icky and Un-British

Posted by Richard Padley from Neath Port Talbot - Published on 29/04/2015 at 09:00
20 comments » - Tagged as Comedy, Culture, Topical

  • Cat with Thatcher's eyes

They say your life flashes before your eyes as you near death, so it seems only right to hold up some of CLIC's fondest memories as its end draws near. (If you have a favourite memory please share it with the hashtag #CLICstory.)

With only two days left we thought it was about time to re-feature the article which, judging from the comments, introduced a few readers to satire.This feature was originally published on 14th June 2012 by Richard Padley from Port Talbot.

We hunted him down for comment: "I wrote this because it was a legit argument against gay marriage at the time and I couldn't sit back without exposing the absurdity of it. Reject hate and apathy and embrace love and empathy."

Yn Gymraeg // Welsh version

Disclaimer: As with everything on NPT Shake, the views expressed in this article are those of the author and not necessarily of NPT Shake.

As I am sure you must have heard by now, parliament is attempting to pass a damnable change in law to legalise same sex marriage in the UK. For all children under 21, I would advise you stop reading now. We're about to talk about some icky stuff.

Currently in the UK, homosexuals can enter a civil partnerships with their lovers. This gives them the same rights as a heterosexual marriage in all but name, which is the way it should be. But this isn't good enough for the Brighton-Beach-marching-bathroom-stall-loving-moustachioed crowd of gay residents in the UK. They want marriage; they want the word, which has been infamously known from DAY ONE of civilisation as a loving union between a man and a woman.

That's right, shocked readers, the communist left-wing hippies of our society (you know, the long haired fella busking next to Burger King singing One Love by Bob Marley) want to change the definition of a word that has a long standing meaning that cuts to the heart of the great British public.

It's insanity. They genuinely believe we can just change words and that's that. Well, that is CERTAINLY not that. We cannot simply change the meanings of words. Since language began, no word has ever changed its definition. That's right, not one. Language itself is stagnant. Is it a coincidence that we are still using the EXACT same language spoken by Jesus HIMSELF 2000 years ago? Check your King James Bible, my friends.

Has anybody in the government actually thought for one second of the confusion this will cause the good British public? Will anybody think of the children?
I'll give you an example. I decide I want to get married. I turn up on my wedding day to a beautiful C of E church, built on strong tradition and sound logic and definitely not anything to do with a certain overweight monarch wanting a divorce. I'm waiting nervously at the alter, shifting my feet with anxiety, excited at the idea of how much money I will save now that I don't have to pay a cleaner or a chef.

Suddenly, the organ starts to play the Wedding March. I let out an excitable squeal. I hear the footsteps of the love of my life walking down the aisle to me, ready to be joined in matrimony for the rest of our lives. I turn to see my beautiful bride but I stumble back, stunned, letting out a tiny yet audible cry that echoes throughout the church. A man in a tuxedo (frustratingly much snazzier than my own) is coming towards me and a shadow forms over my brow.

That's right. I've only gone and inadvertently married a homosexual.

Now, some of you shocked readers may say, "why would you not notice during the planning of the wedding that your partner was a man?" and I say to those nay-sayers - BE QUIET. Don't buy that example? Well, here's another:

I'm sitting in my rocking chair, reading my favourite column (Richard Littlejohn of course) on a mild April afternoon. I hear my newly pregnant wife enter behind me, perhaps folding clothes, perhaps looking for her recipe book, who knows? I feel her breath on the back of my neck and she gently embraces me from behind, kissing my neck in a seductive manner. I sigh lovingly, turning the page of my paper with the contentment of a man who has truly found his place in life.

Suddenly, the headline on the next page jumps out at me. GAY MARRIAGE LEGALISED. My eyes widen, pupils dilated. My heart starts to palpitate. I feel my wife's lips form a kiss around my ear. I grab her arm in surprise and feel the prickles of arm hair on my palm.

I gasp, and then I can really feel it - her pregnant belly leaning against me, once smooth and luscious is now hairy to the touch and I turn around in a shriek of horror. Standing before me is a bearded twenty-stone man from Birmingham and he is giving me the sex eyes I've come to know so well. I point and let out a blood-curdling screech but it's too late.

I've only gone and inadvertently been happily married to a man for five years.

Do you see now? Tragedies like these, I guarantee, will be popping up all over Britain if this law passes, and the government does not care ONE BIT of the great confusion the public will feel regarding a change in the meaning of a word.

When will it end? Sure, it's just one word. But this is exactly how Nazi Germany started. What if they suddenly decide to change the word "kill" to "breathe"? How will the Old Testament read then? "Thou shalt not kill" will mean "Thou shalt not breathe"! An epidemic of suffocation spreads throughout the good God fearing people of the British Isles - mothers crying in the street, a man on a cart ringing a bell screaming "bring out your dead" and more.

NO. We can't have this. I will not stand for it. SOMEONE has to stand up for tradition. SOMEONE has to stand up for the GOD-GIVEN BEAUTY that is the ENGLISH LANGUAGE. We have to tell the government NO. We will not allow you to change words willy-nilly. That's just NOT how it's done here in GREAT BRITTANIA. This isn't what Jesus wanted, this isn't what the good people of ALBION would have wanted, this isn't what GOD wanted when He sent down this beautiful language centuries ago, handed it to King Arthur and said "NEVER LET IT CHANGE. Marriage is marriage, civil partnerships are civil partnerships, and 'kill' MOST CERTAINLY DOES NOT mean 'breathe'."

So join with me, good people of Britain, and take steps to reject this foul idea of change. Keep tradition alive, and God save the King (I do not recognise women as legitimate authority and always recognise Charles as the rightful head of the monarchy, bugger Liz and her girly parts IT'S NOT RIGHT).

After all is said and done, I think we can all agree that gay marriage is just icky, confusing and bloody well UN-BRITISH!


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20 CommentsPost a comment



Commented 47 months ago - 14th June 2012 - 16:11pm

You had me for minute. Brilliant piece of stinging satire. Well done.



Commented 47 months ago - 14th June 2012 - 16:28pm

Absolutely fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. Absolutely fantastic.



Commented 47 months ago - 14th June 2012 - 17:24pm

Actually the best article I've read... Ever. Kudos to you.

Jeff the Fridge

Jeff the Fridge

Commented 47 months ago - 14th June 2012 - 17:49pm

Great article, my only gripe is that I don't think Jesus spoke english or welsh, he spoke, I don't know, latin or some other old language.



Commented 47 months ago - 14th June 2012 - 19:06pm

This is brilliant! Bloody hilarious! Well done to you good sir!



Commented 47 months ago - 14th June 2012 - 20:28pm

I agree that it would ruin the tradition of marriage. However, someone like yourself must be pretty ignorant, or just stupid, to not notice who they have been married to. That was one of the most pathetic examples I've heard.

Being gay is just like being left handed. Why shouldn't they have the right to be legally known as partners, 'married', like straight people do?
Just think that if you turned out to be gay, and there is nothing wrong with that and there is nothing you can do, wouldn't you like to marry the person you love?



Commented 47 months ago - 15th June 2012 - 12:14pm

@Birdyxx Don't think you've really understood the article. Go back and read it again.

Dan (Sub-Editor)

Dan (Sub-Editor)

Commented 47 months ago - 15th June 2012 - 14:31pm

@Birdyxx (and anyone else concerned by this article) -- don't worry, the writer is not being serious. This is satire. :)



Commented 47 months ago - 15th June 2012 - 16:23pm

Gotta be honest, was too worried to comment at first. I couldn't tell if you were being serious. I didn't like the title at first because I obviously expected it to be about homosexuals and how they had no right in getting married. But, then again, that's Healy clever considering it grabbed so many people's attention. After reading it more than once (shh, I'm slow!) I think it's really clever and your writing abilities are amazing.

Really good. But I can understand where @Birdyxx is coming from. Your writing is so good, it actually confuses some people... If that makes sense. Look forward to reading more from you :) x



Commented 47 months ago - 15th June 2012 - 18:15pm

Sorry @hollymorris and @Ihavethecyrusvirusx, I don't follow. I'm really slow, could someone explain it to me?

Sam Sprout (Editor)

Sam Sprout (Editor)

Commented 47 months ago - 15th June 2012 - 22:49pm

Hey @Birdyxx no need to apologise! This is a satirical piece of writing, in other words the author is using satire to get his point across (satire = the use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like, in exposing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly, etc.).

The author is using the language, tone and style of someone who is homophobic (and if I may jump off the fence here, right-wing and Daily Mail reading - hence the Richard Littlejohn reference, who is a well-known and controversial columnist for the aforementioned newspaper) to highlight the ridiculousness of someone who is homophobic. The way I read it, and I think many of the commenters here and on theSprout's Facebook fan page do so too, is that the author has no opposition to gay marriage.

Satire and irony can be very difficult to read, much more so than in conversation or on TV, as the tone can be easily lost, but if you notice the piece gets more extreme and ridiculous as it goes along. If it stopped after the first three paragraphs we'd be dealing with something very different here.

If you read it again knowing that the author has his tongue firmly in cheek, I think you may see it differently. I hope this helps, if you'd like to talk more about this, please comment below.

Cheers, Sam



Commented 47 months ago - 16th June 2012 - 11:23am

@Jeff the Fridge, most historians think that Jesus would've spoken Aramaic.



Commented 47 months ago - 16th June 2012 - 21:23pm

@Sam so glad you commented that! People were questioning me when I posted the article to a group and I didn't know how to explain it. But that's made it a whole lot easier.



Commented 47 months ago - 18th June 2012 - 08:36am

Brilliantly written. Sums up exactly how ridiculous this whole affair is. I'm sure gay marriage will be brought in during our lifetime, and it's stuff like this that will persuade people to do so. Excellent work.



Commented 47 months ago - 18th June 2012 - 23:27pm

I nominate this for the next CLIC Awards - The best article I have read this year, thank you for an excellent and incredibly funny piece of writing that made me laugh out loud and choke on my cornflakes!

Well done!

NPT Shake Editor

Commented 47 months ago - 25th June 2012 - 14:50pm

Great article! NPT's own CLIC site is live now, come on over and have a look at www.nptshake.com. You'll also be able to find out from there when the next editorial group meeting is if you fancied coming along.

Well done on a brilliant article!



Commented 47 months ago - 25th June 2012 - 17:13pm

I think that gay marriage should be allowed, it's not fair if only "Streight"
people get to be properly married, and how is it Icky, so I may be younger than 21, but it doesn't mean I don't know what this is all about, if you take my word for it, gay and lesbian marriage should be allowed and there is nothing wrong with it.



Commented 47 months ago - 26th June 2012 - 20:41pm

@Picto-Girl I agree with you even though the writer is not being serious somebody on this site who is gay may take offence to it and there is nothing icky about gay marrigage love is happiness and if you are happy then that is fine!



Commented 47 months ago - 27th June 2012 - 14:32pm

Its a great article and if that's what the writer wishes to write, then that's fine. I too was confused at first so maybe a disclaimer should be put on the top but it's a fab piece of writing.


Commented 47 months ago - 27th June 2012 - 19:44pm

Love the article, cleverly written but I still believe gay and lesbian marriage should be made legal. :-)

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