The Magnificent Seven #6: Gay Marriage: Confusing, Icky and Un-British
They say your life flashes before your eyes as you near death, so it seems only right to hold up some of CLIC's fondest memories as its end draws near. (If you have a favourite memory please share it with the hashtag #CLICstory.)
With only two days left we thought it was about time to re-feature the article which, judging from the comments, introduced a few readers to satire.This feature was originally published on 14th June 2012 by Richard Padley from Port Talbot.
We hunted him down for comment: "I wrote this because it was a legit argument against gay marriage at the time and I couldn't sit back without exposing the absurdity of it. Reject hate and apathy and embrace love and empathy."
Disclaimer: As with everything on NPT Shake, the views expressed in this article are those of the author and not necessarily of NPT Shake.
As I am sure you must have heard by now, parliament is attempting to pass a damnable change in law to legalise same sex marriage in the UK. For all children under 21, I would advise you stop reading now. We're about to talk about some icky stuff.
Currently in the UK, homosexuals can enter a civil partnerships with their lovers. This gives them the same rights as a heterosexual marriage in all but name, which is the way it should be. But this isn't good enough for the Brighton-Beach-marching-bathroom-stall-loving-moustachioed crowd of gay residents in the UK. They want marriage; they want the word, which has been infamously known from DAY ONE of civilisation as a loving union between a man and a woman.
That's right, shocked readers, the communist left-wing hippies of our society (you know, the long haired fella busking next to Burger King singing One Love by Bob Marley) want to change the definition of a word that has a long standing meaning that cuts to the heart of the great British public.
It's insanity. They genuinely believe we can just change words and that's that. Well, that is CERTAINLY not that. We cannot simply change the meanings of words. Since language began, no word has ever changed its definition. That's right, not one. Language itself is stagnant. Is it a coincidence that we are still using the EXACT same language spoken by Jesus HIMSELF 2000 years ago? Check your King James Bible, my friends.
Has anybody in the government actually thought for one second of the confusion this will cause the good British public? Will anybody think of the children?
I'll give you an example. I decide I want to get married. I turn up on my wedding day to a beautiful C of E church, built on strong tradition and sound logic and definitely not anything to do with a certain overweight monarch wanting a divorce. I'm waiting nervously at the alter, shifting my feet with anxiety, excited at the idea of how much money I will save now that I don't have to pay a cleaner or a chef.
Suddenly, the organ starts to play the Wedding March. I let out an excitable squeal. I hear the footsteps of the love of my life walking down the aisle to me, ready to be joined in matrimony for the rest of our lives. I turn to see my beautiful bride but I stumble back, stunned, letting out a tiny yet audible cry that echoes throughout the church. A man in a tuxedo (frustratingly much snazzier than my own) is coming towards me and a shadow forms over my brow.
That's right. I've only gone and inadvertently married a homosexual.
Now, some of you shocked readers may say, "why would you not notice during the planning of the wedding that your partner was a man?" and I say to those nay-sayers - BE QUIET. Don't buy that example? Well, here's another:
I'm sitting in my rocking chair, reading my favourite column (Richard Littlejohn of course) on a mild April afternoon. I hear my newly pregnant wife enter behind me, perhaps folding clothes, perhaps looking for her recipe book, who knows? I feel her breath on the back of my neck and she gently embraces me from behind, kissing my neck in a seductive manner. I sigh lovingly, turning the page of my paper with the contentment of a man who has truly found his place in life.
Suddenly, the headline on the next page jumps out at me. GAY MARRIAGE LEGALISED. My eyes widen, pupils dilated. My heart starts to palpitate. I feel my wife's lips form a kiss around my ear. I grab her arm in surprise and feel the prickles of arm hair on my palm.
I gasp, and then I can really feel it - her pregnant belly leaning against me, once smooth and luscious is now hairy to the touch and I turn around in a shriek of horror. Standing before me is a bearded twenty-stone man from Birmingham and he is giving me the sex eyes I've come to know so well. I point and let out a blood-curdling screech but it's too late.
I've only gone and inadvertently been happily married to a man for five years.
Do you see now? Tragedies like these, I guarantee, will be popping up all over Britain if this law passes, and the government does not care ONE BIT of the great confusion the public will feel regarding a change in the meaning of a word.
When will it end? Sure, it's just one word. But this is exactly how Nazi Germany started. What if they suddenly decide to change the word "kill" to "breathe"? How will the Old Testament read then? "Thou shalt not kill" will mean "Thou shalt not breathe"! An epidemic of suffocation spreads throughout the good God fearing people of the British Isles - mothers crying in the street, a man on a cart ringing a bell screaming "bring out your dead" and more.
NO. We can't have this. I will not stand for it. SOMEONE has to stand up for tradition. SOMEONE has to stand up for the GOD-GIVEN BEAUTY that is the ENGLISH LANGUAGE. We have to tell the government NO. We will not allow you to change words willy-nilly. That's just NOT how it's done here in GREAT BRITTANIA. This isn't what Jesus wanted, this isn't what the good people of ALBION would have wanted, this isn't what GOD wanted when He sent down this beautiful language centuries ago, handed it to King Arthur and said "NEVER LET IT CHANGE. Marriage is marriage, civil partnerships are civil partnerships, and 'kill' MOST CERTAINLY DOES NOT mean 'breathe'."
So join with me, good people of Britain, and take steps to reject this foul idea of change. Keep tradition alive, and God save the King (I do not recognise women as legitimate authority and always recognise Charles as the rightful head of the monarchy, bugger Liz and her girly parts IT'S NOT RIGHT).
After all is said and done, I think we can all agree that gay marriage is just icky, confusing and bloody well UN-BRITISH!
IMAGE: Laurie Pink