The Magnificent Seven #1: Confessions Of A Proofreader

Posted by Dan (Sub-Editor) from Cardiff - Published on 23/04/2015 at 15:37
57 comments » - Tagged as Creative Writing

Yn Gymraeg

Seven days left until CLIConline is switched off. To celebrate the end of #CLICstory, we present The Magnificent Seven - seven articles that have been read more than all others, or inspired people to do great things. This wonderful feature was originally published on 5 August 2010. It was written by our popular sub-editor and resident grammar Nazi, Dan Grosvenor, and went a bit viral when a grammar website in the US of A picked it up and started pulling it apart. To date it has been read 163,874 times. See the comments at the bottom, and enjoy!

Warning: I may rant... rather a lot

The manager squinted in my direction.

'So... what exactly is the problem, sir?'

'The apostrophe button,' I repeated, more firmly this time.

'It's broken?' he enquired.

'It isn't there.'

He stared intently at the telephone, a baffled expression crawling across his face. After a few moments of careful scrutiny his eyes returned to me, nervously.

'Just to confirm, sir, when you say apostrophe you mean...?'

I sighed a little and raised my hand.

'The little flying comma thing, I elaborated, tracing its outline in the air with my index finger. The manager relaxed a little, foolishly thinking we were now on the same wavelength.

'Ohh, you don't need to worry about those anymore; this is the new model. Much easier to use. Just click on 'symbols' and it brings up a list of all the different faces...'

He'd lost me completely.

'Faces?'

'Yeah, you know... ? Emoticons?'

As he said the last word, his thumb and outer fingers balled up while the remaining digits formed those cringe-worthy animated quotation marks, and I wondered if my earlier display had made him think all punctuation had to be acted out for greater emphasis.

He held the phone up to demonstrate. The screen contained a disjointed amalgam of brackets, commas and hyphens which ?� if you craned your head in the right direction and closed at least one eye ?� faintly resembled a set of faces.

'So you see,' he continued confidently, 'there's nothing wrong with it; they've just phased out the apostrophe key because the faces now come pre-assembled. You can have animated faces, audio and picture messaging-'

'Do you mean to tell me that the only way to type an apostrophe on this phone is to insert a smiley face and then delete its mouth and eyes?'

'Well,' answered the man, puzzled as to why I was so insistent about this matter, 'or nose and mouth. Depends if he's winking.'

There was a long silence.

'I'm afraid I need a phone that will let me use apostrophes for more than drawing smiley faces.'

'But...'

I gritted my teeth and dreaded the words I somehow knew were coming.

'...why else would you need one?'

*So this is me: emissary of the downtrodden apostrophe; Grammar Nazi; pedantic prick. I'm that guy who holds you up in the queue because he feels the need to tell the checkout girl that, technically, the sign on the express lane should read 'Ten items or fewer'. The precocious little sod who berates you for saying 'could of' instead of 'could have' or who just can't keep it to himself when he spots a lowercase 'i' or a hyphen where there should clearly be a dash. My ideal job would involve travelling across continents with a red marker pen, thwarting linguistic injustice wherever it lurks, be it billboard or subtitle. I place linguistic ability above every other quality I look for in my companions, and could not even consider dating a girl who doesn't read or can't spell properly. And while it may seem so, it is never a masochistic decision to become hated by those around me; it's a compulsion that has gripped me since the day I learnt to read, and has showed no sign of relinquishing its grasp ever since.

Let me tell you how it started.

Even as a child I was a deep thinker, and took to language at a young age. I can't remember exactly when the affliction developed, but a safe assumption would be that it wasn't long after I learnt to distinguish between letters and food. One of my earliest memories is being eight years old and seeing a sign in our leisure centre which read:

THE MANAGEMENT CANNOT EXCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR LOST OR DAMAGED PROPERTY

It was a large sign with bold lettering, hung above a set of wide double doors. For some reason it caught my eye, and I soon found myself more interested in the text than the play equipment. I was barely tall enough to see it, and remember craning my neck back and staring at it intently. The words stared back. A strange feeling crept over me, and I couldn't help but feel something was amiss. I read it several times and each time it puzzled me. I wondered why management could not except responsibility for lost items. Presumably that meant that all lost and damaged property was the responsibility of the management, with no exceptions? They must have been quite a generous company not only to abide by that methodology, but to advertise it. Surely, I thought, a more common approach would be not to accept responsibility for such incidents? I pointed this conundrum out to my playmates but for some reason they were uninterested. I briefly toyed with the thought that the people in charge had made a mistake, but soon cast the thought aside as it seemed illogical: after all, I reasoned, this was a sign hung high for the sole purpose of being seen by everyone in the leisure centre, of course someone would have checked the wording. After all, how could I ?� a barely educated eight year old ?�possibly notice something the (presumably adult) makers of this gigantic sign failed to spot? It didn't seem plausible. I had to be wrong. When I got home I explained this enigma to my mother, who nonchalantly replied, 'You're right; it should be 'accept'. This opened my eyes to a world of human error, and I have been unable to shut them since.

As my knowledge of the English language grew, so did my ability to annoy people who couldn't speak it as well. I would regularly scold my peers for using words like 'sumfink', for pronouncing their L's as W's and, of course, for the cardinal sin of uttering a double negative. At times I was reprimanded: I refused to join in a school assembly on the grounds that one of the songs had 'ain't' in the title, and was caught several times correcting the spelling of the graffiti on the school gate. But I was never once dissuaded from my vocation. If anything, the more discouragement I was given, the more it drove me to seek out and rectify the horde of mistakes slaughtering our language.

By the time I reached high school, I realised my knack for spotting words that were out of place was not a common pastime, and sharing my interest with others yielded some undesirable results. I would pipe up and correct teachers who made mistakes on the blackboard, hoping to impress them, and find myself in detention (which I enjoyed as it involved writing lines: something I saw as an opportunity to improve my handwriting and impress the teachers further).

I came to notice that I can't help but see things literally when it comes to words. When presented with what is and what clearly should be, I lack the imagination to see the latter. I struggled with metaphors, and took an immediate disliking to poetry: the thought of invisible worms flying through the night gave me nightmares. I developed what can only be described as 'editor eyes': where other people saw stories, plots and characters, I saw grammar, punctuation and spelling. Consequently, any book with the misfortune to fall into my hands left dripping with red ink. While most literate teenagers laid their novels on their bedside tables and drifted off to romantic thoughts of Cathy and Heathcliff, I'd lie awake thinking about the role commas play in Emily Bront�'s sentence structure.

By university it had taken over. Fuelled by the number of English students I encountered who couldn't (or didn't bother to) spell properly, I sought out and learnt every rule of style and structure I could uncover, determined not to become one of them. I found work as an editor and proofreader, where I honed this ability until what was once an eccentric quirk grew to an uncontrollable obsession. I can no longer walk past an error without rectifying it. I vandalise poorly punctuated shop signs in the name of grammar, gallantly correcting tenses and thwarting rogue apostrophes wherever they lurk. Even taking off my glasses doesn't help: I notice the outline of the lettering and that's all I need to know if a rogue apostrophe is lurking.

But that in itself is not a problem. Getting annoyed at a sign that says SMILE: YOUR ON CAMERA just means I'm observant and well-educated, right? (If you can't see what's wrong with that sentence, pray that I never meet you.) It only becomes a problem when you consider the extent to which it rules my life. Being pedantic is one thing, as is being irritating, but I am better defined as 'dangerously neurotic' when it comes to noticing errors. Once I spot one it not only occupies the forefront of my concentration for as long as I'm in its presence, but remains embedded somewhere in my skull forever. What is forgivable to most is abhorrent to me. When you come across a typo or a grammatical error you probably pass it by and get on with what matters, but to me that error is like a blemish on the face of an angel. It attacks my senses like nails on a chalkboard. Because of this, reading is a strenuous activity: I'm forever reaching for a pen to circle some mistake, highlighting it so the next person to read the book sees it the way I do. Bold, red and glaring fiercely.

It's been a good few years since I read it, but I can still tell you that Robert Langdon ?� contrary to popular belief ?� did not wander the streets of Paris looking for the Holy Grail after his tussle with Teabing. He actually wandered around Paris looking for the Holy Grail. Look it up. Corgi edition, 2004. Top of page 589. And while it still wasn't as bad as watching the film, for me the ending of that book was destroyed by images of Robert Langdon bent over and jumping down the Champs-�lys�es like a chimpanzee. And, despite the mountain of fascinating 'facts' that comprise the novel, that is the one part of the book that will stay etched in my memory.

And how, on page 49 of The Unbearable Lightness of Being (Faber edition, 1984), Milan Kundera tries to convey the horror of a man jumping in front of a train. Tragically, he starts the sentence by saying: 'Early in the novel that Tereza clutched under her am when she went to visit Tomas...' Subsequently I spent the remainder of the chapter oblivious to the fate of the poor man under the train, as all that occupied my thoughts was: how do you carry a book under an am?

This is where my problem lies: I can't see the story for the mistakes. I care more for a misplaced comma than I do for the entire plot. You don't need a guy who can tell you that on page 28 of American Psycho (Picador edition, 1991), 5th line from the bottom, Bret Easton Ellis wrote women when he meant to write woman; that Richard John Evans forgets the 's' when spelling 'Nietzsche' (Entertainment, p.89. Seren, 2000) or that Eats, Shoots & Leaves could really have benefited from a full stop in the 6th sentence from the bottom in the introduction on page 13.

Ask me what the last book I read was about and I couldn't tell you. I frequently find myself on the receiving end of avid readers on their high horses, denouncing me for not marvelling at the timeless wonder of the canon; accusing me of being one of those who think literature is dead or 'don't get the time to read' or any of that other crap non-readers spout when you interrogate them on their absence of a real bookshelf. But the truth is I turn pages and crease spines with a vengeance. I practically live in bookshops, and amass so many my shelves have layers. I would love nothing more than to be an avid bookworm. It's just that I don't read books the way most people do. When I open a book, I don't see content: I see words.

Despite all of the above, I know I could bear this burden and still live a normal life, because as much as I whine about errors in books and shop signs, correcting them can be filed more under 'sad hobby' than 'life-damaging obsession'. But the problem is it doesn't end there, for this decade has seen the arrival of two things that together have ensured I will never, ever sleep peacefully: the internet and text messaging.

I saw the best words of my generation destroyed by mobiles ?� misspelt, abbreviated, naked. Our language has always had its anomalies that survive solely because it just doesn't seem worth the effort of stamping them out: that's why 'could care less' and 'couldn't care less' mean the same thing, and 'flammable' and 'inflammable' have the same definition, yet the word 'unflammable' has never been created. These are mild annoyances and, despite their presence in the world, I can still sleep at night. When the dawn of text messaging arrived, I thought I would cope in a similar way ?� a few numbers replacing minor words, the odd abbreviation ?�but instead, something unforeseeably horrible happened: a new fad of intentionally injuring words, without leniency or remorse, which is every bit as painful to me as to those vowels you butcher. Words like 'your' and 'you're' have become synonymous (and frequently shortened to UR), double ?� even triple ?� negatives are rife (U DONT NEVER KNO NUFFIN, M8) and if you're lucky enough to actually see an apostrophe, rest assured it'll be in the wrong place (generally used to denote a plural). I firmly believe that nothing can make you lose faith in humanity quite as fast as the 'comments' sections on YouTube.

I now talk about English in the past tense. As a language that reigned in a glorious day gone by, before abbreviation preceded linguistics; the archaic era when questions ended in question marks, 4m was spelt 'from' and apostrophes did more than form smiley faces. At night I find myself stumbling into the dark, screaming: 'Please, think of the words! Won't somebody think of the words??'

So how do people like me get by in an age where the ability to spell is generally seen as a needless and eccentric quality? Well... mostly by moaning. Moaning so loudly we're either locked up or heard by a kindred grammar spirit. So forgive me for sounding like that cantankerous old fart you find parading loudly and unsteadily at the back of the pub, clutching a pint tightly in one hand while angrily conducting an invisible orchestra with the other (usually ranting about the state of the nation and shouting boisterous tales about 'back in my day'), but am I the only one ?� in this age of BlackBerries, Bluetooth and broadband ?� who still convulses violently and feels physically ill whenever they read a sentence like: OMG LOL i JUST WNT 2DA SHP N DER WOZ UR GF WIV D GUY U H8 BU DW DEY DIN DO NUFFIN LOL ?

On the off chance that a like-minded stickler is reading this testament, I have to say: there is hope, but approach it carefully. For all the glorified retardation of language the internet has inflicted upon us, I knew some outposts of sanity must still remain. After much Googling, I found one: an online community called 'I judge you when you use poor grammar': a club where people like me unite and take great delight in mocking the rest of the world and their inadequate grasp of punctuation. While the dwindling number of members is not enough to save our beloved language, it at least gives us a feeling of solace as we watch our idea of Armageddon draw close. Joining without hesitation, I eagerly posted my first message: a well-typed, intelligent-sounding message detailing my lifelong plight at the state of the English language. I checked back the following day, expecting to be welcomed with open arms into the community, but instead found my post dissected by the pompous parasites that populated the message board:

'No one is... is incorrect,' posted a French girl, highlighting a sentence in my third paragraph, which I was particularly proud of. 'No one is a derivate of not one. It is plural. The correct wording should be no one are, not no one is.'

I wanted to slap her. How dare she correct me? Didn't she know who I was?? I can find spelling mistakes in the dictionary, damn it ?� I think I know how to use proper English. Several other comments on the site had similar 'corrections' and justified them with rules I regarded as extinct (round should start with an apostrophe, as it's an abbreviation of around). In the same way that people seem more inclined to hurt me than say 'Thank you for correcting my grammar, now I am more enlightened,' I could not believe the audacity of those nitpicking nerds! Didn't they have anything better to do than correct my grammar? I wanted to shout, 'It's only a bloody apostrophe! what does it matter?!

I'm a hypocritical perfectionist in a land of perpetual error. I was reminded that language does adapt, it does evolve and there is nothing wrong with embracing that or even furthering it along by using a little poetic licence in your writing. In the eyes of the Archaic Elite at 'I Judge You When You Use Poor Grammar', I was not worthy of membership; I was the same ignorant scum that confuse 'your' with 'you're', all because of my lack of a redundant apostrophe and my choice of words. But did that really make me as bad as them? I lose sleep over dilemmas like this.

To say the experience humbled me would be lying. But it made me realise that, compared to the Archaic Elite, I'm not that bad ?� so I feel less guilty about berating people now.

I retreated to the pub, intent on drinking myself into peaceful oblivion. I try my best to lead a normal life despite this affliction. But though an alcoholic can avoid bars and recovering smokers can steer clear of the smoking section, a perfectionist cannot avoid error. It was quiz night, and the questions were passed to each table. Unsurprisingly, it was riddled with errors ?� but the thing that stuck in my mind was the message of encouragement the quizmaster had typed at the top of the page:

Good luck guys and girls. May the best table win, and may the rest get drunk, LOL!

Oh, LOL. The inexcusable crutch of the inarticulate. When had you crawled out of your swamp and into written English? I did my best to bury my face in my drink. LOL is the epitome of the txt spk onslaught, and the reason I don't reply to your emails. Originally an acronym for 'laughs out loud', its meaning rapidly evolved into something closer to 'I have nothing to say'. LOL is far more than just a word, and at the same time, far less. A verb and an adverb, rolled into a grunt. An awkward silence, a mumble, or a slight nod of the head. It's a full stop and a goodbye, and if you use it in spoken conversation I will castrate you where you stand.

If you're even slightly familiar with online etiquette, you'll know the word (and I use the term lightly) is unavoidable. In its original context ?� used as a way of conveying humour in an appropriate situation ?� it's just a word, albeit an interesting one: when you are conveying enjoyment, why would you describe your action like that? You'll rarely, if ever, jump into the role of a third-person narrator and insert, 'stretches left forearm' into an email. 'Noticing a slight itch creeping up the lower region of his back' would be an insane amount of personal reflection to include in an online message, yet 'laughs out loud' is accepted without a second thought. Does no one else find this odd? Or irritating?

I looked up and realised the quiz had started without me. I didn't feel like playing anymore, anyway. I glared at the quizmaster. Through my inebriated haze I spied a menu further down the table, and glanced at the meat section:

HARD DAY AT WORK? GET A ROAST DINNER DOWN YOU'RE NECK

I ran out of the pub, screaming: 'It doesn?t even make sense! Surely they mean 'throat', unless they want you to dribble?!'

57 Comments – Post a comment

Sambow

Commented 72 months ago - 10th June 2010 - 08:49am

Ha ha! Great article Dan!
Your point about the apostrophes has bugged me a few times in the past as well.
Why do we need them? It may seem slightly petty to most people but the number of times I've had to text "your" instead of "you're" is crazy. Sometimes I wonder if anyone actually cares, after all punctuation saves lives.
"Let's eat Grandma!" or
"Let's eat, Grandma!"
You've taught me (shaun,elin and nicole) to be proud Grammar Nazi's! :D

Jaque Thay

Commented 71 months ago - 2nd July 2010 - 15:08pm

Very good and clever article, Dan, with lots of 'LOL'-worthy moments. I did find one particularly amusing line though - just how many bookshops do you have on your shelves now?

Don't worry, we're all guilty of such things. You've made a good point through; language is evolving and at times we can try to stop it from happening. I've seen a number of "Save the Apostrophe" campaigns over the years as it would appear to be slowly falling out of use. Should we really try to fix language so that it never changes, grows and develops? Or should we embrace that change? To reuse an oft cited example: if they had been written without bending the rules or creating new syntax then Shakespeare's works would have been very different. If he can do it - shouldn't we try?

hextor

Commented 70 months ago - 4th August 2010 - 10:23am

I read you're article with great delite. I see error's everywhere too. It really bother's me. You could of included the link to the "unnecessary quotes blog" though LOL its very funny. http://www.unnecessaryquotes.com/2010/07/if-you-call-those-restrooms.html

Lamyel

Commented 70 months ago - 4th August 2010 - 14:45pm

"HARD DAY AT WORK? GET A ROAST DINNER DOWN YOU'RE NECK

I ran out of the pub, screaming: 'It doesn't even make sense! Surely they mean 'throat', unless they want you to dribble?!'"

...But you WEREN'T screaming about them using the wrong form of you're/your? Really?

Also, Sambow, it's Nazis. Not Nazi's. That's possessive, not plural.

Fraidoclowns

Commented 70 months ago - 4th August 2010 - 21:22pm

As my knowledge of the English language grew, so did my ability to annoy people who couldn't speak it as well as me.

I could be wrong, but I believe it should read, "As my knowledge of the English language grew, so did my ability to annoy people who couldn't speak it as well as I."

midnightlynx

Commented 70 months ago - 4th August 2010 - 22:10pm

"Grammar Nazi" is a bit of a misnomer.
"Grammar" refers to sentence structure and syntax. It does not include spelling or punctuation.
The term "Nazi" implies we have some sort of Final Solution in mind.
As we don't (yet) desire to cleanse the world of these people through mass genocide, I submit that a new label is in order.
We would be more properly known as "Conventions Fascists."

Why, yes, my tongue is in my cheek. Why do you ask?

kriszick

Commented 70 months ago - 5th August 2010 - 05:25am

Dan,
I agree wholeheartedly with the point you are making. I have much empathy, having been told many times, by friends, that I act like I am better than others because I speak properly. They don't seem to understand the amount of willpower it takes for me to ONLY speak properly, without demanding that they do so, also. I was deeply saddened on the day I used my red pen in my favorite dictionary, and we haven't had the same relationship since. I emote without emoticons, laugh without 'rolling on the floor' and have no idea what "OMG LOL i JUST WNT 2DA SHP N DER WOZ UR GF WIV D GUY U H8 BU DW DEY DIN DO NUFFIN LOL ?" means, much less the patience to figure it out.
I have a great amount of sympathy though, for your inability to read for pleasure. A book is not merely a collection of words, put into a pre-designated order, with the right little dots and dashes to help us understand it better. Some, I will agree are not much more than this, while a vast number should be honored to be referred to as a book at all. To not be able to immerse yourself in a well-written story, using your imagination to paint the authors description of a scene, is a tragedy for one with your obvious passion and intelligence.
Without being asked, I would like to humbly offer some advice: Keep your high standards, keep voicing your dismay at the butchery you find in most things written, but put your red pen away so you can truly enjoy all that your beloved language is used for. You don't have to close your eyes to 'LOL', but you could try saying, "WTF?", and then simply move on.

Sincerely,
(Believe it or not)
An American

Seanomoric

Commented 70 months ago - 6th August 2010 - 00:20am

Alright, I do feel like a bit of a sod, but I'm utterly compelled given the nature/tone of your... Editorial, I guess we can call it.

"has showed no sign of relinquishing its grasp ever since."

While "showed" is technically considered an acceptable past participle of the word "show," it is more correct to use "shown." It's a form of regularization, I would guess. I find that many people neglect the past participle and favour simple past instead, regardless of the context. I cringe when I see and hear people use "I've drank so much" or the like in lieu of "drunk."

I will go back to reading your piece and nodding my head, however.

Seanomoric

Commented 70 months ago - 6th August 2010 - 00:21am

I should also like to say that I am in Canada, and stumbled upon this page via the add-on of nearly the same name.

sanssensibility

Commented 70 months ago - 6th August 2010 - 02:57am

I love you.

Biscuits

Commented 70 months ago - 6th August 2010 - 11:27am

(I do not consider my grammer to be perfect, so please don't nit-pick my comment!)
I found the article highly amusing, but I have to disagree. We, as people, are constantly changing our beliefs and habits to suit our developing societies (or should that be society?). Therefore, it only makes sense for our language to develop and adapt as well. While reading the article, I was reminded of a "blessay" (another example of words evolving!) by Stephen Fry that I had read a while ago.

Kathryn ProMo

Commented 70 months ago - 7th August 2010 - 00:35am

Dan there is very, very good reason why you are one of the CLIC Sub-Editors.....you're fantastic!

I love this article, you've captured the tragic demise of being grammatically correct and the increasing onslaught of nonsense words and phrases. I share your pain.....obviously not to the same degree, but I was moved to join a group entitled 'Words that irritate' purely to vent my anger at nonsense hybrids like 'chillax'.

A conversation I overheard between three young music lovers in the toilets at a Bonde Role gig in Cardiff frustrated and amused me in equal measure....one asked "What's the band like?" To which the reply came "I've never really been a fan of leggings".....and then finally "Shall we go downstairs and chillax."

LOL ;)

BethanTheBarmy

Commented 70 months ago - 9th August 2010 - 20:25pm

This thoroughly entertained me, and although I will admit I'm not quite as pedantic as you, I still am very easily irritated by the spin on the english language that the cyber age has sprung upon us.

I'd also like to mention that midnightlynx is incorrect in stating that all Nazis have a "Final Solution" in mind. The Nazi party has been around far longer than the common misconsception that all Nazis are anti-semetic to the extreme level of Hitler. The party's policies themselves do not always include a hatred of the jews.

If there are any grammatical errors in my comment, you have my sincerest apologies.

wishihadwings

Commented 70 months ago - 10th August 2010 - 14:21pm

Sometimes i wish i wasn't dislexic and could actuly spell corectly let alone improve my grammer, but after reading your artical i've changed my mind.
i think i'll keep my dislexia... thanks m8...oops sorry!

Ps please don't scrutinise my spelling

Sambow

Commented 69 months ago - 24th August 2010 - 09:37am

@ everyone who saw my mistake on the first comment
I would say I made the mistake on purpose, but that would be lying.
Darn, I should have realised everyone would have picked up on that. Cursed apostrophes, I've never been great with proof reading my own work. :P

agent8261

Commented 68 months ago - 14th October 2010 - 19:22pm

Grammar Police are the lowest form of human life.

The cell phone with out the ' was silly, I agree, but do you have nothing better to do then pick out every single mistake another person makes?

Whatever, if that what makes you happy, just seems there is more to life.

agent8261

Commented 68 months ago - 14th October 2010 - 19:34pm

The worst part of this story is how close you come to the realization that you are being silly. It's right there staring you in the face

"LANGUAGE EVOLVES!!!"
Language is a means to communicate, it is not law, it is not proof of intelligence.

LOL is group of symbols that convey a idea. It's original meaning, while interesting, is irrelevant.

Anyway. I just hoping you all find something else to do with your time, or hopefully you all become an editor. At least then your affliction can be useful.

BrokenEggShells

Commented 66 months ago - 4th December 2010 - 15:55pm

I watched 'Freak Like Me' for the first time ever (I was alone and bored) and a man in Cardiff called Dan had the same affliction as you...in fact, he even told the same story about the leisure center... you two have much in common... you should meet up.

culpepper

Commented 63 months ago - 17th February 2011 - 12:39pm

"I saw the best words of my generation destroyed by mobiles “ misspelt, abbreviated, naked. "

Love it- great article :)

Acajou88

Commented 61 months ago - 19th April 2011 - 01:33am

"He held the phoneup to demonstrate. The screen containeda disjointed amalgam of brackets..."

Considering the subject at hand, that's a bit sloppy.

The significant majority of my foreign friends that have studied our beautiful language actually have better grammar than my friends that speak it as their mother tongue. I think it's essential that we be taught more grammar in school - I don't remember receiving one grammar lesson in high school.

Long live the subjunctive!

http://www.englishpage.com/minitutorials/subjunctiveexercise.htm

MarshMallo

Commented 49 months ago - 13th April 2012 - 14:33pm

Hi, Dan.

You were right, I loved this article.
I have the same views, yet I have never failed to miss the plot in stories. If I ever find a mistake of yours, I'll try not to correct it. It would be a genuine mistake, and not a sign of ignorance, after all.

I'm pedantic every day, too. My friends, who are mildly similar, have to put up with it. They've nicknamed me after a pedantic character in a book. I also refuse to use 'text speak', seeing as there are so many different ways to slaughter the English language. You may also realise how long this comment is. I've always had the problem of writing endless paragraphs/articles. I hate word limits like '500 words are less'. Once, I wrote a 17 A5 page story in school (particularly long, if you're in Year 5), and I hadn't even got halfway through the plan. I was kept in to finish it - punished!

Kriszick,
I do believe you are an American, because you spelt 'honoured' without the 'u'. I have an obsession, too, of sorts. Whenever I pick up a book from the shelf, I try to find clues, to try and find out whether it was written by an American, or a Brit. I look for clues, like the lack of 'u's in words, and the use of 'chips' rather than 'crisps'. There's also the confusion of when to use a 'z' or 's'. Americans say 'realize' and Brits say 'realise'. In my eyes, U.S English did not make the language easier, but made U.K English a mortal enemy.

Dan (Sub-Editor)

Commented 49 months ago - 13th April 2012 - 15:47pm

Dear MarshMallo

You are awesome.

MarshMallo

Commented 49 months ago - 13th April 2012 - 16:13pm

I'd send back a winking emoticon, but I think that would be offensive.
Instead, I'll send you the definition:

wink1 ?
verb (used without object)
1. to close and open one or both eyes quickly.
2. to close and open one eye quickly as a hint or signal or with some sly meaning (often followed by at ): She winked at him across the room.
3. (of the eyes) to close and open thus; blink.
4. to shine with little flashes of light; twinkle: The city lights winked in the distance.

wepromo

Commented 22 months ago - 7th July 2014 - 18:13pm

This article really speaks volumes to anyone who loves this language. I have to agree whole heartedly (if that's not a word, I apologise) with this. It's like reading 'in case of emergency, brake glass' in large letters on the side of a bus. Annoying for the next twenty minutes. It is hard to live in this world where correct spelling is a rarity, but at least not everyone has lost touch.

SamuelPatterson

Commented 22 months ago - 9th July 2014 - 20:56pm

That awkward moment when it took you longer to read "OMG LOL i JUST WNT 2DA SHP N DER WOZ UR GF WIV D GUY U H8 BU DW DEY DIN DO NUFFIN LOL" than it did the rest of the article.

sniperhacks14

Commented 12 months ago - 24th April 2015 - 09:18am

yeah m8 dont b 2 SWAG wid dem arts ini

Greeny

Commented 12 months ago - 24th April 2015 - 09:21am

this is poo

sniperhacks14

Commented 12 months ago - 24th April 2015 - 09:21am

sik 1 m8 luvin dem arts ini

tutorials for 360 no scopes

Commented 12 months ago - 24th April 2015 - 09:29am

@greeny i am not impressed m8

sniperhacks14

Commented 12 months ago - 24th April 2015 - 09:29am

too much for me 2 read jk rowling bout those 2 commentz

Greeny

Commented 12 months ago - 24th April 2015 - 09:31am

@sniperhacks14 yea yea bruv dont be 2 swagillicious wid dem arts ini

Ryanp1543

Commented 12 months ago - 24th April 2015 - 09:32am

my names jeff

tutorials for 360 no scopes

Commented 12 months ago - 24th April 2015 - 09:32am

OK I wont jk rowling bruv ting ini fam :-b

Greeny

Commented 12 months ago - 24th April 2015 - 09:33am

nah blud fam

ilovegeorge

Commented 12 months ago - 24th April 2015 - 09:34am

sames

xX_no_scope_to_the_face_Xx

Commented 12 months ago - 24th April 2015 - 09:34am

nice spelin greeny

sniperhacks14

Commented 12 months ago - 24th April 2015 - 09:34am

yo grreny boogie stop bein rud yeh m8