My Snapshot Description
So, I was looking through my English book from this past year and I came across a piece of work I did in one of my English lessons in April.
We were supposed to pick a place that we visit often, and we were to imagine a scene, a snapshot, and write a description about it. You were allowed to be as imaginative as you wanted, with no restrictions.
I re-read it a few days ago, and then I showed it to my mum who recommended I upload it on here, so I guess this is what I'm doing. Bear in mind I've just finished Year 8 and English is not my first language, and I also didn't have much time to write it, so yeah. Here goes...
As a gust of wind swept the park, the night arose from its slumber. Soon, the atmosphere changed, the trees, once calm and patient, became rough, as they lash out, growing more and more menacing by the minute.
The moon howled in harmony with the stars and the wind. They sang of a love story, of happiness, lust and sorrow. Their song of beauty awoke the nearby spirits, who joined in this choir of magic.
A smell of pine and elder flowers swept through the forest, spreading like wildfire until reaching the park. And then it stopped. As the aroma loosened up the playground attractions, their shadows came to life, embracing each other as if they were old friends, creating a community of wonder and mystery.
At midnight precisely, the dreams of the sleeping people slip under their doorways and out into the sky, swooping down and merging with the graceful spirits. Out of nowhere formed a glass vial with a perplexing lavender elixir. The shadows and spirits gathered around, and in turns took sips of the potion. No sooner after they had drunk the brew, they popped up into the air in swirls of beautiful colours, as they smiled in happiness and danced around, hand in hand.
As more joined in, their festival grew larger as the faeries from the forest connected to the ring, they intertwined, as blades of grass bound them all tightly together, and the scene is frozen in time, for all eternity, so that it can be remembered that even when all seems lost, you can always find happiness.
Well, that was it guys, thanks for reading, I really appreciate it. Please, please, please, leave a comment on whether you liked it and if I'm a good writer; I get good scores in English, but I want a stranger's opinion. Please leave feedback on ways to improve it too! Thanks guys, bye!
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2 Comments – Post a comment
Judith Shakespeare
Commented 33 months ago - 1st August 2013 - 14:18pm
It's lovely. Really evocative and sensual and you create a very ethereal atmosphere too. I could imagine everything you described. Just one thing - be careful with your sentence lengths. Sometimes short sentences work just as well as long ones.
Keep writing more and keep reading too! You have a talent there.
jelly baby999
Commented 33 months ago - 3rd August 2013 - 09:58am
Thank you! I really appreciate the comment! Yeah, around the end I realized when I proof-read it that the sentences were a bit long and that I could have added some shorter ones for effect. I'm thinking of re-drafting it as this is only the first draft, so that I could include everybody's advice that I get in the comments, even though you are the only one who has commented until now, :D