I Hate Everyone Who Goes To The Cinema

Posted by archifCLICarchive from National - Published on 05/11/2010 at 13:30
11 comments » - Tagged as Movies, People

I recently acquired a magical card which allows me to visit a certain cinema chain as much as I want - for free.

Never one to shy away from getting my money's worth (even if it is technically free to me) I now frequent the cinema almost as much as my university classes.

Actually, that's a huge lie. I go to the cinema way more than I do lectures. As such I now consider myself somewhat a cinematic connoisseur and have slipped very easily into a pattern of idiosyncrasies.

Being socially awkward as I am, I get rather annoyed if my pattern is broken by... Other People *shudder*. Sure, I don't mind the usual suspects I force to go the cinema with me, they've always been there. They're part of my pattern. But these Others I speak of are more often than not people I've never seen before in my life: Cardiff is a big city y'know? They destroy my pattern. Every. Single. Time. They make me feel like there is absolutely zero point in having a pattern. Is it even a pattern if it's broken every single time? I've broken down these Others into easy to spot categories. Next time you're at the cinema perhaps you could take a checklist and see how many you can tick off.

Children

Yes, children. I don't care what you think of me. Children annoy me to no end at the cinema. If you're a parent, let me seriously ask you this (and I wish to receive a proper, justified answer). What part of you thought it would be a good idea to give your children armfuls of sugary treats, plonk them down in a giant seat in the dark and expect them to sit there in silence and behave for two hours? Honestly. Answer me!

It will never happen. I always try to get to the cinema early, and if it's a children's film inevitably a mother laden with other people's children for the day will rush in halfway through a decent trailer and usher her unruly brood and all their bloody sweets into the row in front of me. The brood will then proceed to chatter until heavily shushed during the opening credits of the film. They will be quiet for an hour at absolute most, if you can count rustling sweets for fifty nine minutes as quiet. They will probably have to be taken to the toilet at least one time each and for the last hour of the film will wriggle about in their seats, perhaps kneel and turn around and stare at me for a bit. They'll offer me a sweet if I'm lucky.

Variation: If it's a 3D film they will gasp and reach out every time there is a 3D effect. Count on it.

Old People

I recently went to see RED. It's a film about 'Retired: Extremely Dangerous' CIA agents, starring old people like John Malkovich, Morgan Freeman and Helen Mirren. I went to see this twice with various usual suspects and both times saw quite a few old people there. Perhaps they thought they could relate because the people in the film are also old. That's the only thing they'll have had in common.

You would never see Bruce Willis rocking up to the cinema to watch a film and get there late because it's so hard to find disabled parking spots near where you want to be these days... Bruce Willis would not then find the most populated row and stare at them until they all stood up to squeeze past, smelling like cats, to the spot furthest away from the noise and bright light of the screen. Bruce Willis would not then spend at least ten minutes rustling about in the plastic Sainsbury's bag full of treats he brought with him because his pension can't stretch to the extortionate cinema food prices (and we all know that old people can't go two hours without having a snack).

Once they've had a good time rooting about in the bag, even though there's only two things in there, they'll pull out a giant packet of sweets, all of which will be individually wrapped. Like the children, old people can't deploy the contents of their bladders before the film, so will have to go halfway through, making everyone stand up a further two times. And... just, the sweet wrapper noise. Oh God the sweet wrapper noise.

Variation: The Old Biddy Brigade. Large groups of old ladies who fancy the cinema because they read in a women's magazine that a film is a bit like Calendar Girls. They will tut a lot and go 'ooohhh my!' at every swear word and reference to sex.

Youths

I realise that I technically fit into this category, but these Others are different. They travel in herds. Large herds. I've recently encountered two different kinds of youths at the cinema and I'm about to be specific, so watch out.

The first kind of youth is at least eighteen-years-old. They are most likely not in further education, on a vocational course or in employment. Just a guess. They travel in herds of between four and twelve hundred members. They are all clones of one another with a standard uniform of white trainers, tracksuit bottoms with two stripes up the side of the leg, a puffer or tracksuit jacket, baseball cap, chain necklace and one diamante earring. It doesn't matter whether they are male or female, I often cannot tell the difference. I actually have two specific examples for these youths.

On the Wednesday that The Social Network was previewed, myself and two of the usual suspects went to the cinema donned with an Orange Wednesday code and my magical card. We often go to see Wednesday previews of anticipated films so this was no different. What we did not expect to see was a queue out of the door and what can only be described as a bouncer going along the line proudly announcing that The Social Network was sold out. I was livid, and we had to watch something else. While I was in another queue for my obligatory mixed slushie I saw the waiting area for the film. About one hundred youths.

So we went to see The Social Network the following Tuesday, and although we were able to get tickets this time, the cinema was still packed with these youths. It was as if someone had taken a photograph of a seat in the cinema and generated a hologram in every other seat of the same figure in various colours of tracksuit (apart from the seats me and the usual suspects were sat in, of course). Half an hour into the film, they all whipped out their phones and furiously began texting. I happened to lean forward at one point and catch a bbm of a particular male youth in front of me. His co-youth had bmm'd him "Ano its sh*t init", to which cinema youth had replied "yer lol fort was gna b bot fb lol". I wanted to shoot myself in the head, but not as much as I wanted to shoot him.

The second kind of youth I hate is most definitely under eighteen. Sometimes they look under fifteen, but will triumphantly whip out passports as smug ID when asked. My example for why these youths annoy me is when I went to see Paranormal Activity 2. In the queue to get my tickets they were in front of me. The luminous colours they were all wearing to be fashionable and alternative was an assault on my eyes, and I love bright colours. It took them about ten minutes to buy their tickets as there was about twenty of them, and at least fifteen of them looked pre-pubescent.

Nevertheless, the poor ticket seller eventually gave up arguing with the boy who was chosen as the ring-leader, brandishing his passport and swallowing nervously as his newly pronounced Adam's apple played tricks on his voice. These youths continued to plague me with another argument with the ticket-ripper on the box because he rightly didn't believe they were all at least fifteen either. This poor sod also gave up and shot me a withered look as I sympathetically gave him my ticket.

Basically, once they were in the screen, they would not shut the hell up. There is only one good outcome from having a large group of these younger youths in your film: you find yourself brought closer to every other person in the screen who has become just as pee'd off as you. It is impossible to concentrate on the film when behind you (they always sit at the back, it's superawesomecool) all you can hear is chatting, giggling, fake shushing and every so often the confident, daringly loud shout. The first one will usually be when the piracy notice is shown. One cocky little beggar will squeak "Oi, Darren, better put that camera away." My heart sinks as they erupt into guffaws and shushes and, although I'm not looking, probably high-fives. The only time these youths were quiet was during the first 'tense' bit. After something had happened - the girls had screamed, the boys had screamed and hurriedly laughed it off - they cared not for the film, only for chatting.

One of my fellow pee'd off comrades plucked up the courage to tell them to shut up during an opportunely silent part of the film. We all knew it was futile. Another cocky boy gave a half-witted retort and they only giggled further. I am honestly shocked at my anger-management skills that I've never punched anyone on the way out of a film.

Variation: the behaviour of the two age-groups of youths is entirely interchangeable. Yet still just as f*cking annoying.

IMAGE: 72/365, non se ne ha mai abbastanza by ♥serendipity

11 Comments – Post a comment

neilramsden

Commented 67 months ago - 5th November 2010 - 13:38pm

I LOVE THIS ARTICLE. I too own a 'magic' card and I think anyone who regularly goes to the cinema comes to hate other people. Especially 'youths'. Or frankly any group who talk at any point after the trailers have finished (I don't want to generalise). The cinema absolutely needs some kind of bouncer for any screening which seems to be getting groups of kids in, to immediately throw them out at the first sign of noise. I massively approve of film critic Mark Kermode's current campaign to get a swimming-pool style notice put in the cinema, only instead of 'no ducking, no bombing, no petting' we have 'no talking, no texting, no kicking'. Simply needs to happen.

Scattered

Commented 67 months ago - 5th November 2010 - 13:55pm

Although I don't have a 'magic' card, I am a care worker who takes someone to the cinema every other weekend, as well as visiting with my girlfriend occasionally. I can tolerate sweet wrappers rustling, little kids creating and even 'youths' shouting out now and then.

But my pet hate has to be having my seat kicked. *grinds teeth*

The number of people who do it is staggering. It's not seat-kicking exactly, but more putting their feet up on the back of your chair or the chair next to you. While watching I Am Legend, the woman behind me had both feet on the back of my chair and was pushing it forward during the scary bits as she buried herself in her boyfriend. My loud request for her to "f**ing stop it please" nearly got me in a fight with her bloke, which spoilt the rest of the film to be honest.

National Editor

Commented 67 months ago - 5th November 2010 - 14:19pm

Best. Article title. Ever.

bhell13

Commented 67 months ago - 5th November 2010 - 14:36pm

I feel your pain, but it's precisely these reasons I go to the Odeon in Cardiff bay and not Cineworld.
The Odeon is expensive but it pretty much guarantees there's no half hearted viewers.

In my opinion, the 'Cineworld Unlimited Card' is a gift and a curse.

On one hand, it enables you to see as many films as you like in a month. Great.

But on the other hand, you only need to see 2 films a month to make it cost effective, making any additional movies 'freebies' and therefore disposable. Not so great.

This mindset leads to rushed/poor film choice, which creates general disinterest and in due course talking and other disruptions for fellow cinema goers.

I've honestly not seen any disruptive children, oldies or either set of youths you mention in a post 7pm screening at the Odeon.
Something I'm happy to pay a premium for.

neilramsden

Commented 67 months ago - 5th November 2010 - 15:57pm

It pains me but I disagree, the value of Cineworld is too good to pass up. The irritations are happily fairly rare, and as for rushed choices- even when watching the worst film I've seen in years recently (The Other Guys) I was able to sob quietly so as not to disturb people around me. Maybe they should threaten to take away the cards of people who disrupt screenings. I love being able to watch films I would normally have passed on, it means I get to see way more varied stuff.
Though this balances with supportting local cinemas- Chapter Arts cinema is a gorgeous little cinema, so plush and roomy. But a lot of money. We need a little cinema which is more affordable and also whose snacks are reasonably priced!

untamedclare

Commented 67 months ago - 9th November 2010 - 19:39pm

I have the unlimited card too and also despise the teenagers that seem to travel in herds. I know if they're going into the same movie as I am then I'm going to get really annoyed. Old people though, I totally don't agree and if you sit higher up you barely notice them and I generally don't see the same films as children, so that's OK.

I love my magic card but here are some really good tips for using it, especially if you're a student or have lots of days off.

1. Do choose films you might not usually watch, you might be very glad you did, proof in point here came when I used my card to watch Micmacs. Obviously, don't go and watch a horror if you can't stand the genre, there are limits.

2. Go to watch showings that are between 11 and 3 on school days. These are generally quiet and the only people there will probably be fellow magic card users or cinephiles.

3. If you must go later than 3 choose a film that's been out a few weeks or finishes quite late, youths usually see things on the first showing.

4. Orange Wednesdays are really good for unlimited users but I always recommend getting there before 5.30 if you can. If your film starts later than this, do not bother to queue downstairs, with the unlimited card you have the privilege of buying your tickets at the refreshment tills where the queues are MUCH shorter and you don't get little brats pushing in front of you with their ten mates!

5. Do not think about buying an unlimited card if you're not a fan of a wide range of movies, this would be pointless and you should just pay a premium like the mental people that still use the ODEON even though it's over priced and they make you pay extra for a good seat. :p

luke_wr

Commented 67 months ago - 9th November 2010 - 21:48pm

spriklelight,
i'm terribly sorry but i may have been in the second group of youths you wrote about, usually i would go to the cinema, as i do at LEAST once a week (i'm a big fan of cinematography), but inviting one wrong friend means that effectively you're inviting 20 friends, as they all seem to think they can tag along, just because that wrong friend invited them.

In this instance that unfortunate event happened, but i continued to go into the cinema and take my seat along with my 21 other 'mates'. I'm afraid to say that those immature little so and so's didn't shut up throughout all adverts and build up to the film, and even spilling into the start of the movie. It was not until someone on the otherside of the cinema shouted for them to "be quiet" (the actual words were a bit stronger) did they hush very slightly.

And yes one of them did give a half-witted retort in return.

Sorry if it was you.

Luke.

swiftsbiggestfan13

Commented 37 months ago - 12th April 2013 - 09:21am

I totally agree - its so easy for other people to ruin a cinema trip for you. I have been to see childrens films before now and I understand that if it is a childrens film there will probably be children there. I understand toilet trips, rustling sweets and being mesmorised by 3D effects. But running up and down the ailse screaming? Really? The parents really should consider the other people in the cinema rather than just shaking their heads fondly.