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Granny... I'm Gay

Posted by archifCLICarchive from National - Published on 18/03/2011 at 14:05
9 comments » - Tagged as Culture, Health, People, Topical

  • Muslim Gay Pride

Its been eons since I wrote an article. So here is another! If you havent guessed my sexuality from the title, re-read it. Got it? Good.

My grandparents are strict Muslims, they understand that their children and grandchildren are not and are much more Western and untraditional, and they still love us all dearly. But what happens when something seriously huge, something you think could explode your world comes along? Something that could upset some of the closest relationships you have ever had, or even, in your eyes, destroys them. How about being gay? I mean, what a cultural mess, born from a Hindu and Muslim mixed family, in Wales, and then "oh, you're gay too." (That thought makes me giggle).

When I first came out to my immediate family and friends, I felt on top of the world. The relief and joy it brings someone is remarkable. But then I thought, "what about my grandparents?" I love them so much, and they love me back too. The bond I share with them is amazing and unbreakable. Well, I began to question this, and two questions kept playing over and over in my head How would they react? and, Will they still love me? I spent night after night crying, looking at every web page that came up after I typed Islam and gay into Google trying to look for that imaginary article that said everything will be fine, but obviously I didnt find that.

Change. People really think I can change? All I know is that I have always been gay, ever since I was little, my first attractions, sexual ones, were towards boys, that was very clear in my head. I believe that I was born this way (got my GaGa quote in there). Worst thing is, Ive tried to change. Seriously. I remember once writing something down very angrily on not being gay. Later on I ripped it up in anger and disgust. Trying to change resulted in me becoming very, very upset and depressed. I would argue with myself on walks with the dog (that must have been a sight), I even tried to harm myself once. Then I sought help from a loving teacher. Now this itself was proof enough that being gay is not a choice and something I cant change.

Anyway, after months of tormenting myself over what could happen if I came out to my grandparents. I would sit there, and think of every possible scenario that could happen, literally every single one. Im gay. We no longer love you, never talk to us again. Ones like that would hurt, and I began to believe that this would happen, that they would discard me, like gone off milk. So I thought, this hurts too much, Im going to brave up and tell them and deal with whatever is thrown at me. What could go wrong? I already felt like our relationship had become distant, and that too felt like a dagger going through my heart. But I braved up, and one day I went up to the attic with my mobile, and rang them. As the phone rang I could hear my heart beat loudly with such speed. I was already sweating. My granny picked up the phone. Granny, I have to tell you something really important. Im gay. She thought I was pulling her leg the first time I said it. No seriously, Im gay. Then it went quiet. Granny? Do you still love me? and she replied, Im very shocked. But I cant control my heart, I will always love you. Those few words made me cry, she began to cry. She hates the idea of me being gay. But the fact that she loves me anyway, that made my heart feel warm. When it came to pass the phone to my granddad, I got scared. I was worried hed get angry but he reacted in exactly the same way, maybe a little more shocked. What did hurt, and what I knew was coming was him saying Are you seeing a doctor? and how will you have grandchildren? I had to do a lot of explaining to assure him that I know I am gay, but he still believes I dont know myself. The last thing he said was Im going to go and pray. And then he hung up.

Ok, wow. So probably a very positive reaction considering they are very traditional Muslims, but obviously there are negative sides.

I guess what I am saying here is be who you are, dont let anyone stop you and no matter how awful things may seem, there is a brighter (maybe not amazingly bright, but bright) side. Also, this was a kind of emotional vent!

If you're gay, lesbian, bisexual or think you're transgender and you want advice and information, contact: LGBTyouthcardiff@googlemail.com or visit: www.loudandproud-cardiff.co.uk

[Photo: thomma]

9 CommentsPost a comment

SamuelPatterson

SamuelPatterson

Commented 62 months ago - 18th March 2011 - 15:53pm

Beautiful.

acatris

acatris

Commented 62 months ago - 18th March 2011 - 16:09pm

I really hope that this article is found when some one is lost and hurting and typing in the keywords "Islam"..."Gay" just like you did. A very inspirational article, you're very brave.

LoudandProud

LoudandProud

Commented 62 months ago - 18th March 2011 - 16:41pm

An amazing article A Boy. It must have taken a lot of courage. I have friends myself who are still not out to their families and are in their 30's. I hope other young people find this useful.

I am also glad that you had support from a teacher in school as in most schools many pupils don't.

If you ever need anything then contact us on the email above.

John
Loud & Proud

A Boy

A Boy

Commented 62 months ago - 18th March 2011 - 18:34pm

thanks all! yeah i hope this article can be helpful. i know something like this would have helped me. Everyone was amazingly accepting, so i was really scared about facing a negative reaction, especially from the grandparents.

cardiffgirl

cardiffgirl

Commented 62 months ago - 19th March 2011 - 18:39pm

You are so brave! Are really amazing article!

Keep it cool
Cardiffgirl

hair_chops

Commented 62 months ago - 19th March 2011 - 22:04pm

I applaud your courage, and thank you for writing an article like this. Your example is priceless to an 'unouted' person - I know this from personal experience.

I hope your relationship with your grandparents still brings you much joy and happiness.

hollymorris

hollymorris

Commented 62 months ago - 20th March 2011 - 14:30pm

Well done for being so brave. It really does make you feel a great sense of release, I can empathise. My family were ridiculously passive to the idea... I can remember my grandfather saying "Ah well!" (haha)

But you can't always get the reaction you want, can you?

Even so, well done.

Tom_Bevan

Tom_Bevan

Commented 62 months ago - 21st March 2011 - 18:31pm

awesome aricle- so very inspiring! I hope love pulls through and your relationship with your grandparents remains strong
really brave of you man, u deserve a... sticker?
nice one, love tom :)

A Boy

A Boy

Commented 62 months ago - 21st March 2011 - 19:47pm

thank you all!

@hair_chops i know how this may be valuable to unouted people stuck in a similar, or maybe even nowhere near similar situation!

@hollymorris yeah i had the "we knew" reaction for the parents :L and no you can't thats very true.

@tommy b thanks! a sticker would be nice... :D

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