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END OF THE WORLD! (Possibly)

Posted by Pasternak from Vale Of Glamorgan - Published on 20/05/2011 at 19:02
5 comments » - Tagged as Culture

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Disclaimer: If you're reading this article on May 22nd 2011 (or later) and the world hasn't ended, I apologise.

THE END IS NIGH!

According to a group of fundamentalist Christians in America, the world is going to end tomorrow. This is your last night on earth. Sorry about the short-notice.

But think twice before deciding to do something really wild like not returning your library books on time: the apocalypse is actually quite a drawn-out process and most of us still have another 5 months before total annihilation.

Family Radio, a group who run a Christian radio network in California, are leading the campaign to warn people across the globe to repent of their sins before May 21st, which Family Radio president Harold Camping has declared to be Judgement Day. He reached this date "through a series of mathematical calculations and the unraveling of codes behind the Bible story of the great flood" (Christian Post).

This man, and many others, are deadly serious. Some have spent their life savings on promoting awareness of "The Rapture", and wholeheartedly believe that tomorrow will be the beginning of the end.

Of course, what with the usual carnage that a Friday night in Cardiff brings, it can be difficult to spot Armageddon when it happens. That's why I've compiled this helpful Guide To The End Of The World, so you can be sure to get the most out of your end of days:

 

So what should we expect from Judgement Day?

Well according to the Bible this is the first day of the Rapture: the end of days. And a mighty interesting day it is, too.

If it turns out to be true then tomorrow will be kinda like a naked zombie apocalypse: cars abandoned on the roads with their engines still running; planes falling out of the sky; and abandoned clothes everywhere you look. This is because those people who God deems worthy will be instantly teleported, naked, up to Heaven.

... and the dead in Christ shall rise first: Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord. - 1 Thessalonians 4:15-17

What if I get taken up to Heaven but my loved ones don't. Can I still Facebook them?

While I can't find a passage in the Bible confirming whether or not they have Facebook up there, I did find a website specifically designed for situations like this: Rapture Letters.

What about the rest of us?

Don't worry. The world doesn't completely end until October 21st, so we have 5 months to repent of our wicked ways and earn God's forgiveness. Unfortunately, because we missed the first deadline, we're going to be eaten by locusts, burnt a bit, and eventually angels will come down and cut our heads off (so don't bother packing makeup). Our punishment for not believing is to spend the rest of eternity in paradise but be unable to see it, which is just as well as there'll probably be loads of smug Christians laughing at us for not having heads.

Oooh, sounds fun. What else can I expect?

Here's a complete list of the exciting activities you can get up to in the next 5 months. Highlights include the stars falling out of the sky and fountains of blood.

Assuming I get into Heaven tomorrow, can I bring my cat?

Unfortunately not. Animals are barred from eternal salvation and must remain on earth. But don't worry: Eternal Earth-Bound Pets is a company set up specifically for that purpose! They are a team of animal-loving atheists who can be hired to look after your pets in the event of the Rapture.

What are the chances that any of this is actually going to happen?

Well the world has apparently ended a few times before. For instance back in 1992:

I'm still amazed they used such long lasting materials considering

So, um, yeah.

  

Of course, if the world doesn't end tomorrow there is still hope! (again from America): US Officials Prepare For Zombie Apocalypse

My favourite tweets about tomorrow's #Rapture:

"Rapture prank: On Saturday, take some of your unwanted clothes and shoes and leave sets of them arranged on sidewalks and lawns around town" - @craigary  ((You can actually watch someone playing this prank))

"Friday will be spent tying string to the ankles of all my religious friends so that when the Rapture hits, I'll have the best balloons ever" - @therealcarew

"For the coming rapture I have prayed to each god (took ages, there are over 2000 of them) and have left out milk and cookies" - @Pribbzilla

"I'm not scared of the Rapture. As long as it doesn't learn how to open doors..." - @hullodave

5 CommentsPost a comment

acatris

acatris

Commented 60 months ago - 20th May 2011 - 22:17pm

Ohmiword I love this article so much it hurts.

SamuelPatterson

SamuelPatterson

Commented 60 months ago - 21st May 2011 - 00:18am

Well, I guess this means I won't be attending next week's SEG. Oh well. Hope you guys have a fun time without me.

Dan (Sub-Editor)

Dan (Sub-Editor)

Commented 60 months ago - 21st May 2011 - 00:24am

Do you still have a Sprout video camera? If so can you film what it's like up there, and maybe set it to some AC/DC and then upload it to the site.

Tom_Bevan

Tom_Bevan

Commented 60 months ago - 22nd May 2011 - 09:19am

brilliantly funny article :)

Keighley

Keighley

Commented 59 months ago - 13th June 2011 - 13:52pm

This is such a brilliant article.

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