Totally Cleggable
The election is tomorrow. The political press are absolutely exploding with excitement, and just when you thought they'd reached their peak, the first and second debate came and went and there’s an entirely new build up, a different perspective that has come into effect. Some people are calling it the “Clegg Effect”.
I watched the debates with a notebook in my hand, scribbling throughout the hour and a half buzz kill on ITV, not writing a thing during the Sky News programme. It wasn’t what was expected. No excitement really, a bit of nitter natter here and there, but no heated arguing, which is what I’m pretty sure the nine million people who tuned in for the first one wanted to see. I sure did. And this is pretty much confirmed by the severe drop in viewers of the second live broadcast.
Expectation was high on David Cameron, a man apparently known for his charm and ability to speak and please. Even I figured there would be a sudden surge for the Tories, knowing the public love a good posh twit patronising them - Piers Morgan is a good example.
However, I surprisingly found myself not covering my face in anger but relatively happy with what I was watching. Nick Clegg has clearly won the debates. I could see it all the way through, and given the aftermath of the first week - the scaling Lib Dem poll numbers - we can see he clearly won over a lot of the public.
But even being consistently impressed by Clegg, I still figured even as it ended that Cameron had it. For reasons I have never been told, it seems the majority of the public seem to disagree with me, and I downright hate Cameron, despised him and cursed him throughout the entire programme.
As it began, the first thing that came to me upon seeing him was that I am almost one hundred percent sure he was wearing makeup. That really says it all to me. Cameron, the deceiver, hiding his lies behind his face paint. He's like The Joker in Batman, painting skin toned makeup over his true and cruel clown face.
Cameron really wants to stress this is a different Conservative party. One of his big messages is that he loves the NHS, knowing a few years back he’d be cursing it. It shows a self awareness of how evil this party is - he’s a self aware Conservative who holds all the same values of Thatcher but knows how to cover it up. We are shown this on Toby Young’s “revealing for all the wrong reasons” When Boris Met Dave, during which David Cameron throws a plant pot through a window and doesn’t get caught because he’s so badass (I mention this programme a lot only because it has become one of my favourite things ever made - it's like the political version of Plan 9 From Outer Space, or the Tory version of Stolz der Nation).
Sorry, dear reader, I genuinely can't see what people see in the pathetic little worm. His attempts at hiding his right wing views are so repulsive - "I was talking to someone black the other day..." he says - you're absurdly transparent, David - Conservatives at Eton back in your day wore "Hang Nelson Mandela" t-shirts, need I remind you.
Glad as I am about how it eventually turned out - the Lib Dems actually have a chance at winning this thing after all (and don't be misinformed with this hung parliament nonsense - in the 1997 general election, it was common thought that Tony Blair would never win nearly enough seats to win an overall majority, despite having such a surge of voters) - but I’ll not bother with this business about Clegg right now. As I watched the first debate, I found myself watching Brown’s behaviour.
Recently, I have become a bit of a Brown supporter. Not a Labour supporter, but a Brown supporter. He’d won me over when he was interviewed by Piers Morgan - I guess it’s true, you put anyone next to Piers Morgan and they’ll look like a saint in contrast. After winning me over, I grew to love the old Scotsman. I found I agreed with a lot of what he said, and I’d defend him if he was slandered. “He seems like such a nice guy.” I said.
He really does. I don’t know what it is about him. He seems sincere in wanting to do the right thing. He’s an old Labour lefty, from the generation before Blair’s new Labour - he cares but he’s held back by his own party who have reformed to the centre right thanks to our Cheshire Cat former Prime Minister.
And I saw him at the first debate just admiring Clegg. He attacked Cameron many times, but never our Nicholas. Brown admires Clegg, wishes he could do it that way - “I agree with Nick”, we all know, was probably Brown’s most commonly used phrase. Well, that’s what the news is saying, I wrote it down as “As Nick said” - but I guess you have to roll with the punches (Screw you mainstream media).
Brown loves Clegg to the point where when Clegg agreed with Cameron about some malarkey that you couldn't really possibly disagree with - carers are good people, I think it was - Brown genuinely looked betrayed - his face covered with desperation, his eyes screaming “Nicholas, love me, love me!”
And later, Clegg claimed he disagreed with Brown and he genuinely looked concerned and hurt. Bless the poor bugger. It’s not easy to sell out, you see, and seeing someone who hasn’t and could take your job - ouch, must be painful.
Of course it's more sensible to simply maintain that he was buttering Clegg up - if we have a hung parliament he'll need to cosy on up to him. I've heard through the grapevine that one of Clegg's requests if the Lib Dems were to join Labour is that Brown be ousted. Horrible lies or the cold truth?
Right now I'm on a Clegg high. He's the man for me. I'm looking forward to the last debate, where all eyes will be on him of course, watching like a hawk to see any screw up. No doubt anything will do. The Daily Mail and The Daily Telegraph have already attacked him all fortnight long. Two conservative newspapers going after Clegg the week following a boost of Lib Dem voters - I have to tell you, I was pretty shocked. Fair play, one of the primary characteristics the right wing media have in common is their sheer transparency.
I was expecting more Clegg bashing during the second broadcast, but we only saw a light touch - not quite enough for any real hold against the "Clegg Factor". It was definitely something that had come up to the two opposing candidates during the week before. Slander Clegg, they had been told, he looks too good, we gotta get this pinko sonofagun out of this contest!
But it's looking good at the moment, right? At least, that's what I'm going to keep maintaining. I like this world I'm living in right now, where Clegg has an actual chance of winning and a time for change may actually come.
Yes, let me dream good things about my future for once, just for a bit longer. Please?
Sub-Editor note: As with everything on theSprout, this article represents the personal views of the author and not necessarily those of theSprout. If this article has riled you, please respond, submit an article, have some digs at Labour, the Liberal Democrats, the Green Party, the BNP, Plaid Cymru, whoever but don’t get all sniffy and ask for its removal. Chocks away!
